FMIL being cheap with wedding planning?

My fiance's parents are pitching in a small amount but I can tell his mom wants to have control of the wedding. She's similar to my dad in which she would suggest something & if she doesn't get her way, she gets offended and guilt trips my fiance and I with, "fine, do whatever you want to do." With this wedding, I'm not going crazy nor going to fancy. I am very cost-efficient and have always found great deals and ways to save money without going too cheap or tacky. For our "save the dates" & invitations, she suggested costco. That's not a bad idea for "save the dates", however because we're having a religious ceremony and reception with more than half our guests out of time, I would have to find other vendors that allow me to have more choices in personalizing. Unfortunately, costco is limited in that. I did make a deal with a local stationary store that will have additional cards (directions, dinner reception, RSVP, etc..) that is a bit less than what Costco had. Second, she asked my fiance's anti-social cousin to go into photography to do wedding photos on the side. He's very amateur and has never done weddings before. I would rather spend a bit more than go cheap with $100 & have unpredictable pictures. My sister does have a co-worker who does wedding photography on the side & is offering us a free engagement shoot. Also, the wedding package is less than average costs & he's very good. I feel like she just wants to pick the cheapest place for a wedding, even if we don't like it. Maybe she's trying to be helpful but I just find the choices to be inconsiderate...Now, I understand why people elope. And again, that guilt trip with, "do whatever you want" when we have other ideas is just childish. As for the cousin, I am willing to hire him for rehearsal dinner. THIS is also very cost-effective. I plan on getting a very nice house near the church via Airbnb & just doing a summer bbq with the wedding party and immediate family. I was hoping to have a photographer but I think that cousin may come in handy with this.


Pay for your own wedding then you don't have to consult anyone


Fiance needs to tell his parents that the two of you will plan your own wedding. And then the two of you need to do JUST THAT - which means stop talking to other people about it. Just go plan it the way you want it. And be prepared to pay for it yourselves. If fiance's parents want to make a cash gift toward your wedding expenses, the two of you can graciously accept. However, if the parents want to pay for this and that or that depending on whether they approve or not, forget it. Fiance needs to politely decline that kind of "help". Finace needs to step up and set some boundaries with his parents. And you need to learn how to zip it. If FMIL starts asking questions, give answers like, "We haven't decided about that yet". If she starts trying to tell you what to do, give answers like, "Thanks, we will consider that" or "John and I will talk about that." Don't say yes or no. Don't argue. And don't try to convince them of anything. As far as them being "cheap" goes, what the heck is wrong with you? If you're mature enough to be married, you're mature enough to pay for your own party. Any money they give you is 100% voluntary. And as I said, you should consider declining it if accepting is going to cause so much friction.


Don't involve her with any decisions - then she can't get involved. If she asks, tell her you've already got whatever it is sorted.


Your FMIL saying 'Do whatever you want" is actually an opportunity to do just that. Say ok, thanks we will, and do what you want, at your own expense. Accept what she offers if you are okay with something, otherwise do your own thing and get out your credit card.


Not your problem as this is your fiancé's parent and it's his responsibility to keep off your back.


first of all, pay for your own wedding. Your in laws have every right to determine how much they contribute, as it is a gift. They're not being cheap. You don't have any right to tell them what to do with THEIR money, or how much to give you. You should be paying for everything yourself, if you are an adult. The in-laws traditionally throw the rehearsal dinner, which can be pizza on a chair or a full dinner in a private dining room. Ask them to do that, and let them do it their own way. It's *only* for the "workers" - those who need to be at the rehearsal- so don't make that into an issue. Otherwise, stop sharing what you're doing. You're inviting conflict when you open yourself up to suggestions you're not going to make use of. As for your plan to use Air BnB to find an event venue, VERY bad idea. Unless a place has the appropriate insurance and accessibility, you are opening yourself up to huge liability issues, and that is no way to start out your lives together. find a place that is meant for that, or at least a VFW hall.


It seems you and your fiance are mature/emotionally strong enough to act like adults. You don't need to buy into the drama. If someone says," Do what you want," then you say "Thanks, I will." You don't feel guilty. You don't ASK your FMIL for help. If your fiance's parents want to contribute money, then it is his job to negotiate the amount and get the cash to use as you please. It the money comes with strings attached, you simply decline the offer for help and pay for the wedding yourselves. This isn't rocket science. It is just being a grown-up. Keep in mind that you and your fiance will spend decades dealing with this woman. If you can't cope with her and find a way to live your lives in peace, then you probably don't want to be marrying into this family. Your fiance is in charge of setting the ground rules with his own parents as you are with yours.


Never heard of hire a photographer for a rehearsal dinner If you are trying to save money cut this photograph and the save the date cards. Those are not needed for a small wedding. Your groom tells his mom, thanks for the info I will check it out. Or he tells his mom thanks but we have already made that decision. When you get a Fine do what ever you want.... take that literally. Why thank you . Groom and I are having having fun planning our own wedding. Then You do not discuss the wedding details with anyone. You and your groom plan the wedding. When they say I have a photographer for you. Oh how thoughtful but we already have that covered.


If you want complete control over your wedding, pay for everything yourself.


I agree with the majority, but you said something in your 2nd update that I hope I read wrong. You're having a small barbecue and it's ONLY for immediate fam and wedding party? You can't do this! Not only is it incredibly rude, it's going to cause all sorts of bad feelings. It basically creates an A List and a B List. If I'm reading this right, you need to blow up that plan and start over.


If you want something higher-budget, then pay for it yourself. It's not your FMIL's wedding. She doesn't owe any money toward planning it. If the parents have been generous enough to offer you money for YOUR wedding, then you are responsible for talking to them about how they expect that money to be spent. Money always comes with strings attached. If you don't like how the parents are saying that the money should be spent, then politely return their money, pay for everything yourselves, and do it however you want. If the parents express distaste then shrug and say "Sorry you feel that way." But you can't take their money and then tell them that their opinions aren't welcome. Can't handle these facts? Then you're not ready to get married.

Common Sense

If you do not want comments from the peanut gallery, then stop sharing the details with your FMIL. You can have a pre rehearsed response to repeat every time she noses her way into your wedding planning. Such as "I will consider all options while your son and I decide how to plan our wedding, thank you for your input." That woman needs to be shut down and put in her place. You and her son should plan the wedding you want and can afford. End of story. FMIL has proven to be a bit pushy. So, now you know. In the future, STOP sharing information with her. Do not give her any details about what couch you want to buy or how you intend to raise her grand children because she may have opinions on everything. Maybe not, but be careful and feel her out before you share things from financial matters to your immediate or future plans.


Didn't read the whole thing. Didn't need to. This is YOUR wedding. YOU and your FIANCE make 100% of the decisions. You are responsible to pay 100% of the costs. IF his parents CHOOSE to contribute to your wedding financially you thank them profusely, because this is a gift to you, not an obligation.


Long story short, stop telling your FMIL your plans to do things differently from her suggestions. Instead offer her what she really seeks … compliments and thanks for her ideas. Doing so offers her credit that she is helping. When you tell her you plan to ignore her advice, you are insulting her. Definitely don't skimp on the photography, but if you want a good deal on the printing, go to a print shop and have it done there. That is exactly what a stationary store does, they just charge you more for it.