Narcissist Mother.. child abuse.. help?

I’m 25 year old woman who is at a breaking point. Manic episodes of bashing my head, hurting myself, screaming because the pain is so unbearable. I’m on three medications (one to stop suicide), and I feel worthless. I was emotional/physically abused at the age of 6+ by my mother. Myfather died when I was 12, I would get hit if I cried for him. No other family anywhere! I have so much good to say about her, but I can’t tell if I’m trying to fabricate how toxic she is. She says I’m a victim constantly and all I want is love. I’m so sad, I’ve called the suicide hotlines a lot. Every hobbie that I enjoyed she shot me down. I’m scared to make friends. I’ve been single for 6 years! I’m scared I’m not worthy of love from anyone. I keep everything inside. I’ve seen and felt things no child should. I have an emotional support kitty and I would love him so much. My mother never hugged me, told me she loved me, congratulated me on pursuing my dream. (until I was in my early 20s’ and I “think” is because she knows I hate myself), she says I’m a vicitim and turns everything I say into anger and lashes out, even to physical violence. Both my brothers are messed up as well. Except my little brother, not so much. 10 year difference and I think my mom learned her lesson and TRIED to change, yet, he thinks she’s to is toxic, and he’s 16! She drinks, smokes and I worry about her constantly, but it makes me ill so I moved away! I couldn’t be her mother’ when I don’t even know what a mother is!