Is it rude to ask someone to be a bridesmaid months after having a baby?

2 of my closest cousins are giving birth in March & April. I am so excited for them! I just got engaged last month and was always hoping they would be bridesmaids but because of the babies, I would hate to ask them. We're planning to have the wedding in September and I would hate to even bug them about it. I was thinking of just asking them with the expectation of them saying, "no", like, "I know you won't be able to do it but you'll always be special to me." I don't know. They're also living in different states and with a baby less than a year old, I'm sure it will be difficult and I don't want to add stress on them. It's really not about me - it's about the babies. Is it realistic to just accept that they won't do it and find 2 other people? Should I still give them a "honorary" bridesmaid thing instead? I was thinking of asking (one of them) her sister and see if she can do it. She's in her 40's & I don't think she would be offended if I asked her to fill in and rep for the family (as I love all of the sisters). Thoughts? Happy to hear any suggestions. Thanks I won't require much with my bridesmaids. Because they'll be out of state, I would only require them to be at the rehearsal dinner and wedding. They don't need to go to the bridal shower or bachelorette party Okay, so going into it, I thought it would be okay to ask someone 5 months post baby, however, it was my dad telling me that that it was stupid idea bc no one will watch the baby (even though it's fine with me if she brings the baby). He thinks that the attention needs to be on the baby 24/7, which is why they won't be going to the wedding. His logic & he wouldn't know. He's never given birth


Be open and direct to them "I'd like to have you stand up for me when I get married. Is this something you feel you can do?" and let them accept or demur.


why wouldn't they be able to???? they're not giving birth in September... if you don't ask, and just assume, and they find out, they'll be super disappointed....


You are approaching this *completely* wrong. Excluding people because of what you "think" their answer will be is high-handed in the extreme. You should just ask them. They're grown-ups. If they don't feel like they can do it, they'll say no. There is no such thing as an "honourary" bridesmaid. Bridesmaid *is* a position of honour, and you're either at the front and wearing the dress or you aren't. How hurt would you feel if you were were left out of something you felt was important and the only explanation offered was "I thought you wouldn't want to"?


What's rude here is to make the choice for them, if you would like them as bridesmaids... ask them and let the decision be theirs. You already seemingly understand that they may not be able to. Dad couldn't be more wrong on the 24/7 thing. I have 6 kids who range from 3 to 18 and I quite enjoy a rare evening or weekend without any of them. If we had to go out of town/state for a wedding that required an overnight or more stay, we took our babysitter with us. Otherwise we most often go to weddings without them, even if they are invited. We really only take them if they are expected to be there (family wedding or if they are in it). Small kids get bored, quick. Plus, that way, we get to enjoy ourselves and have a "night off". We do that for family vacations too (take the sitter with us). It's quite healthy for a child to spend a day or two away from their parents here & there. My kids have always survived the time and so did I. The only things that might be a dealbreaker for them are child care and if the baby is exclusively breastfed. Had someone asked me to be one close to my delivery date or when one of my kids was a newborn I would likely have declined, but 5 months down the road I would have been fine. Another issue or reason they may say now might be finances, if they are on maternity leave but do actually work they may or may not be without their income now (most maternity leaves are unpaid) so it may be financial if they say no. FMLA is an **unpaid** medical leave and maternity leave is no different than any other medical leave. Some employers pay for maternity leave but most do not. For FMLA to be paid, you need some sort of of supplemental/short term disability insurance to go with it that's how you get paid and you only get about 70% of your pay. As for bridesmaids "requirements" the only thing anyone in your bridal party is required to do is show up the day of with their attire on and a smile... everything else is completely optional to them... including the rehearsal dinner.


Of course it's not rude. They have a right to say no, that is okay. I asked someone to be a bridesmaid she said no. She just found out she was pregnant, was due around my wedding. If they are breast feeding, they may not want to. That is up to the person, some would just not be comfortable

Common Sense

Oh, for crying out loud...STOP projecting your thoughts onto your cousins and LET THEM DECIDE if they will accept your invitation to be in your bridal party, or not. This "honorary" crap is ridiculous. Ask them if they can stand up for you at the wedding. If they say no, then ask someone else. Do not ask them in one breath and then say you have a back up choice in the next breath. Do not even mention to anyone that you have a back up plan. Go with plan A and if that does not work out, then go with plan B. NO, it is not RUDE to ask someone to be a bridesmaid after they have a baby. Life does not stop when someone has a child. But, sometimes distance and finances do get into the way from some people not accepting a part in the bridal party, whether they are single, have a baby or four kids.


You don’t make the decision for them. You ask and tell them with an infant you would understand if they felt they couldn’t. You ask all your bridesmaids and for what ever reason if they say no, you graciously accepted that decision. Doesn’t matter if they are in college, have a new job, new mom, live states away or right next door. You don’t make the decision for them. No, it is not rude to ask. You are not issuing an order. There is no such thing as an honorary bridesmaid. You ask, they either say yes or no. They are a bridesmaid or they are not. They would be honored that you asked.


ask them anyway


Why would it be "rude" to ask them to be a bridesmaid at a wedding that's going to take place 6 months after the child is born? Just go ahead and ask each one to be a bridesmaid, as you originally intended to do. Let each one decide if it's going to be too stressful with a young child along. They'll know more about that than you do. If they think they can't manage a long trip with a young child in tow or if there's no handy grandparents they can leave the child with for a few days, they'll tell you so when you ask them.


I don't think that's rude at all. I've known plenty of women who were asked to be bridesmaids not long after having a baby, and they were all happy to oblige.


Ask them. If they can't do it - let them refuse … then you can go from their answer and find someone else .. but give them the decision to make. They will understand if they have to tell you no. But they might not understand if you don't ask them.


It's nice to be concerned for your cousins. And it's not rude to ask them to be bridesmaids when they have small babies. What IS rude is making up their minds on their behalf ... that they'd be "too busy" or "not interested" in being bridesmaids. Let THEM make that decision. Ask them and see what they say. Prefacing the request with "you don't have to do it if you don't want to" is unnecessary and borderline rude. Of course they don't "have" to do it, whether they've just had babies or not. An invitation to be a bridesmaid is not a subpoena ... they're allowed to say no. Someone doesn't have to accept the invite just because you offer it. Pointing it out is just weird and unnecessary. What "stress" would there be for them to be bridesmaids? All a bridesmaid has to do is get the dress and show up to the wedding. If you coordinate the dresses through a salon or a department store, then they can even go shopping and get fitted at a place near them if you want. It's super-easy to coordinate the dress selection and purchase through email and phone. If they want to get involved with or attend a shower or bachelorette then the will reach out to your other bridesmaids on their own ... and if they're not willing or able to help/attend, then they won't. Simple as that. They're not required to help plan these parties or even attend them - and you aren't automatically owed these parties in the first place. If someone's interested in planning/attending them then they'll handle it on their own ... and if they're not, and you wind up getting nothing, then you just need to deal with it. The "honorary bridesmaid" thing makes zero sense because, again, all a bridesmaid has to do is get the dress and walk down the aisle. If you'd be having a new mom do that at your wedding anyway as an "honorary bridesmaid" then WTF is the difference? If she is willing and able to get the assigned dress and walk down the aisle then she's a bridesmaid ... if not, then she's a guest. There's no such thing as an "honorary bridesmaid." It'd also be rude of you to "find two other people" - the point of having bridesmaids is to honor your closest friends. Not to fill a roster of X number of women in matching dresses. Ask who you want to ask, and if they say no then just stay with whomever is left. Your fiance(e) should ask who (s)he wants to ask as well - don't worry about matching numbers. Yes, someone would likely be very insulted to be asked to "fill in," since you'd be essentially telling them, "So you didn't make the first cut as the person I actually wanted, but since she said no and I need a warm body I guess you'll do." So, in short ... ask who you want to ask. If they are willing and able to do it then they'll say yes. If they want to do it then they'll find a way to get the dresses, care for the kids (don't they have spouses or partners?), and get to the wedding. If not, then they'll say no. Don't seek out replacements if they say no. Period, end of story. Ask THEM and let THEM tell you what they can and can't do. Simple as that. Doing otherwise will make all of this very complicated, very messy, and you greatly risk offending people. Don't make up someone's mind for them and don't invent scenarios on their behalf. PS - are the fathers of these babies in the picture? If so, why on earth can't they help care for the kids while Mom is standing in the wedding???


OMG. Do NOT insult them by saying anything so disrespectful as "I know you won't be able to do it but you'll always be special to me." Who the fcku are you to tell them what they will and won't be able to do? Are you sure you're mature enough to marry? Because this kind of thinking is absolutely bizarre. IF you want to ask them to be your bridesmaids you ask them to be your bridesmaids. THEY and ONLY THEY, will be able to decide for themselves if they are willing and able to do so. Since the ONLY obligation of a bridesmaid is to show up at the venue wearing the attire selected for them, the fact that they will have six month old babies at home is a non-issue. DO NOT contact their siblings.. DO NOT assume they can't or won't accept your offer. GROW UP.


It isn't rude to ask. The key is to have an open and honest conversation. You must be upfront with your expectations of what they will wear and the time commitment. It is up to them to decide whether or not they can accommodate those expectations. This is true of anyone asked to be in a bridal party. Don't make assumptions about what they can and cannot do or will want to do. Ask them.


The decision to accept or decline that role lies with your friends but you have to ask them to allow them to make a decision. Ask!


Contact each of them separately and say something like: "I know you're busy with the new baby but if you're able I'd love to have you in my wedding party. No pressure, and if you can't manage it I'd be happy if you could be a guest. You're special to me so I wanted to offer you the role of bridesmaid. But I also know how hard that might be for you at this time". Unless these people are insane this shouldn't ruffle any feathers. Just be willing to accept whatever they say back to you.


Your Papa is correct in that a bridesmaid having a small child MIGHT create issues. But Papa is a lot less correct in assuming that these ladies wouldn't be willing to leave their baby with someone else for a few days, wouldn't be willing to leave their baby with someone else for a few hours. You need to ask these ladies themselves what they would or would not wish to do instead of letting Papa speak for them. "There's no one I'd rather have as a bridesmaid, but of course I understand that you might not want to be separated from your baby for ___ hours and Hubby and I don't want infants at our wedding at least until after the meal." Then leave it up to the lady you ask whether she'd rather leave baby in someone else's care and serve, or rather decline the honor of being bridesmaid. But DO be sure to let them both know that there is no one you'd rather have stand up with you! Don't deny them that honor and complement! It's kind of like when a beloved niece or nephew marries in another state and tells me "I didn't invite you because I didn't think you'd accept." It still hurts to not even be ASKED, to not even be informed "If you want to attend, we'd love to see you there." Don't hurt these ladies -- let them know that if they WANT to do this and are ABLE to do it in a way that fits in with your wedding plans, then you'd LOVE for them to do it.

Beverly S

I would tell them you want to ask them, but you totally understand if they can't.. That way they know you want them, but won't feel pressured. I wouldn't just ask 2 other people since it might hurt their feelings.


Tell them that you would LOVE for them to be a bridesmaid but you understand that they're going to have the demands of the new baby so it's up to them if they think they can do it. Also, I would suggest making a list of things you would require of your bridesmaids. Some have them plan the bachelorette's parties, some help them plan the wedding while others literally do NOTHING other than stand there next to them at the wedding. So maybe you could come up with stuff they would feel comfortable doing while not overloading their plate with responsibilities. I think if you did this approach, they definitely wouldn't turn down being apart of your big day while still being able to put their new child first.