Why would a guy "convince" his fiancee to give up her dreams of a big wedding?

My best friend since kindergarten is getting married in March. This is very last minute, as they got engaged on New Years Eve. (They've been dating two years). The thing is Callie has been dreaming of a big wedding since she was a little girl. She was putting away money since she started working to pay for a wedding because her family didn't have a lot of money. As late as Christmas she was buying brides magazines. She knew what kind of dress she wanted, what her colors would be, and what kind of flowers she wanted. She even had a wedding reception playlist. Then she asked me to be her brides maid and I said that even though it was only 3 months away, we could still have a great wedding. Then she said that it was just going to be very small wedding, with just the family and me. No brides' maids, no groomsmen. No flowers, no music, and the reception will be a dinner at a nice restaurant. I asked her what happened because she wanted the prefect princess wedding. She just said that he "convinced" her that a smaller wedding would be better. But the way she said it made me sure that she wasn't convinced at all, that she was giving in to what he wanted? I'm sure that he doesn't hurt her. He is all and all a nice guy. But he is very, very tight with money. (OK he's cheap). She's not even getting a wedding gown, just a white dress from off the rack at Macy's. All he has to do is show up? So why would he "convince" her to give up her dream?


Why would you care what another couple decides to do about THEIR wedding?

Suzy Q

It's HIS wedding too, you know. It's no longer only about her dreams. And maybe, now that she is getting married to a real man instead of only dreaming about a wedding with a nameless faceless stranger standing in for the groom, she actually HAS let her fiancé convince her that 'big wedding money' is better spent on married life.


A major reason may be what you've already noted- frugality/cheapness, whatever you want to call it. But the thing is, he may be planning to use the money not spent on a wedding for a down payment on a house, student loans, etc..... He may have convinced her, but she allowed him to do that, so you cannot blame him completely.


Why is this any of your business? Butt out.


Over the course of our lifetimes, our priorities and values evolve and change. Maybe your friend's thinking has changed from "A blow out wedding is extremely important" to "A blow out wedding is of less importance than owning a home." I don't understand what's wrong with marrying in a dress off the rack instead of plunking down big big bucks for a "gown" you'll never wear again. I think maybe YOU have been too much immersing yourself in the hype and propaganda of wedding magazines. Remember, the agenda of such publications isn't to help couples have lovely weddings and certainly isn't to promote marital happiness. The agenda is to SELL STUFF; they make their money selling ADVERTIZING, not selling magazines.


You said yourself he's tight with money, and big flashy weddings have a hefty price tag. She chose to marry this man and knows what she's doing. Like any couple they found compromise. Don't question their decision and certainly don't bring it up to her again.


I never understood the idea of a big wedding. A lot of money spent of a fling when the money could be put to better use. Dumb, if you ask me.

Beverly S

Have you discussed this with her? I would think if you are best friends you would have talked to her about it..


Is she pregnant and not telling anyone? Some women feels that they need to have a fast wedding if they are pregnant. Second, there are many reasons why. Putting money toward a house and marriage comes more important than a wedding. A wedding is just one day. As long as she is happy for with her wedding, that's what matters her. Do not bring up the "big" wedding.


I think you should try to stay out of this. The man she is marrying and the life they are planning together are much more important than how they get married. People have all kinds of hopes and dreams, but they usually take a backseat to practical everyday life. If they are going to be successful as a married couple they are going to have to agree about all kinds of money issues, and financial goals. How to pay for a wedding is just the first in a lifetime of decisions they will need to make together. I had a cousin that spent $15,000 on his first wedding, the marriage didn't last two years. Another relative had a big destination wedding because of pressure from the new in-laws. Four years later it all ended in divorce and bankruptcy. 32 years ago my husband and I got married. I wore a white cotton dress I had had for 4 years at a wedding chapel no guests at all. We spent $50. It is more important for your friend to want her husband to be than her dream wedding. Your friend likely still wants that big dream wedding, but wants to marry her guy more. It is her choice, try to accept it and support her.


When me and my wife got married, we both had money saved up for the future. It actually came to about the same amount. We knew we could blow it on a big wedding, each of us had imagined one as kids, or maybe a not so big wedding so we could still use some of the money to pay for other stuff, like expenses associated with children, or for our need for a bigger house when we did have kids. And the more we talked about it the idea of a big wedding got less and less important. Our dreams didn't change, but the reality of our life together did. Maybe your friends experienced something similar with her groom.


I guess because he's practical. If they do go through with getting married it's unlikely to work because she's still a little princess with fantastical ideas whereas he's got things like saving, investing and planning for the future in mind. Unless either of them is expecting to inherit seven figures he's the only thing standing between her and financial insolvency. In a world where it takes a quarter million to raise a child and one must have at least twice that in an IRA to hope to retire successfully, guys like this are the smart ones.


Maybe, just maybe, she's growing up. A little girl who has a wedding all planned before she's even engaged is self-absorbed at the very least. Her spouse's wishes and tastes should be considered, if her marriage means anything. Babies are self-centered. Good spouses are not. There are way,way more important things than being a "Pretty Pretty Princess." Paying back student loans and other debts are one. If this is the wedding she or they can afford, going into debt for what is in essence a big party is idiotic. When you grow up, you'll see. In the case this is him manipulating her, it is still none of your business.


It sounds like he is not concerned with what his bride wants - and that he does not want a big wedding - one of the main reasons is because he is cheap --- he wants he to give up her dreams (he don't care - as long as HE gets what HE wants). If his bride is already giving up on her childhood dream - then she will probably have to give up a lot of her dreams for him .. (it sounds like he doesn't care what she wants).


Her dream would have cost tens of thousands of dollars and being mature enough to marry, she was mature enough to see what a waste of money that would be. Her dreams were Disney princess dreams.. that's not reality.


You said in your verbose question that she doesn't come from a family with money. You say he's cheap, but it sounds like he's just good with money. Note that most poor people are horrible with money. So with this in mind, it sounds like he made a sound argument to not spend tens of thousands of dollars on a one-day event when that money can be put into a Roth IRA or some kind of retirement account where they could use the money later in their lives. You have to think about it without emotion which is probably going to be very hard for you since you're already emotionally involved. But the guy is probably right. The family can't even afford to pay for the wedding which says to me that they're not poor but certainly on the lower end of middle class. So money is a very big deal. Therefore it makes sense to not spend a huge amount of money on a big wedding when a small one will do just as well. And then put the funds that you didn't splurge with into a retirement account. He's thinking of their future and not a one-day event. Plus, it's her wedding and her money and none of your business.


It's cheaper.


because when she sees how much and how long it took to save the money, maybe she decided to put it to better use than a 4 hour reception


This doesn't make any sense. If they're getting married in 2 months, a big wedding is out of the question anyway. What was going through her head when she plowed on as if the big wedding was still on? And why did you tell her a big wedding can be planned in a couple months? Just for starters, any decent venue would have been booked ages ago. If both of you were assuming a big wedding can be put together that quickly, maybe she was the first to realize there's no way this would happen. I'm not sure why you're blaming for fiance for that.


If I were her friend I would anonymously warn her about "THE CONTROL FREAK " in him. First it's the big wedding, then her family then you as a friend. Until all she has left is him and doing things only for him and with him. I hope she gets out now. You asked for my opinion.


Maybe she now knows what a waste of money a big wedding really is. It seems a shame that she can't get anything but you have to stay out of it.


Maybe because he realizes that spending the equivalent of a home down payment on a party just so that a woman can have her narcissistic "all about me" day is kind of stupid, particularly when in all likelihood they will be divorced within 5 years anyway since they are not on the same page, even with something as basic as finances.


Perhaps they should call off the wedding and instead go to couple's counselling. If not, then they are only go to end up divorced anyway. He is cheap and she is extravagant and one or the other will end up hating the other. As for a big wedding ... big plans for a damaged ego. Your friend would be much wiser to take that wedding money and use it for a down payment on a condo to live in. She apparently thinks her "dream" is more important than reality. And that bodes ill for the marriage working. As his stinginess does too.


The bigger question is, why have such a short engagement??

Kathy Smith

i would tell her don't go through with it. it is not fair of him, he is not paying for it she is.


If she’s not a virgin, she’s not entitled to a princess wedding nor a white dress.