Fiancé's parents are worried for their daughter marrying a man (me) with Asperger's?

Hello, I am 24 and recently engaged to a very sweet 22-year old girl. I don't deserve her and I think she is a very strong, brave, kindhearted, giving, and caring woman. I don't like a skewed narrative, so I will try to explain this with as little bias as possible. A few months ago, we were in a long distance relationship. We wanted to close the distance. She wanted to move to where I was, but her parents wouldn't have it, so I drove across the country (a little over 2000 miles) to live here in the same town with her. Her parents are old-fashioned so I honored their wishes for us not to live together. I asked for her father's blessing (before he was aware that I have Asperger's) and he said "yes" in a very round-about way with a lot of lectures about how difficult marriage is (and I agree that it will be an undertaking). Several months ago, I proposed and she said yes. I want nothing more than to be a good husband and father like my dad. Recently, we have been trying to plan a wedding. However, spending more time with her family, they seem to have some suspicion that I might have Asperger's (something my fiancé knew, but didn't tell them). I have often been very secretive about my Asperger's and have tried my best to subdue the symptoms so they aren't noticeable. Recently, my fiancé's parents often warn her about "the dangers of what she's getting herself into." They are discouraging us both from having kids and don't seem to believe I can be a good father. What can I do?


There's nothing you can do to be honest. They sound very controlling and that's something you can't change. Just build your life on yourself and your fiance , the parents don't really matter


My best friend is married to a man with Asperger’s. I’ve posted this before. He is educated, an accountant, very successful, but he is very socially inept. He thinks his Asperger’s is a secret. It isn’t. There is no question upon meeting him, upon watching him interact with other people, that there is an issue. Apparently when they first met he “hid” his Asperger’s. Her parents now think he lived a lie. It’s been tough on the marriage. They have four children, two of them on the autistic scale. Are you employed? That’s the first thing I would want to know. Most employed people with a career can’t just up and move 2,000 miles away. Educated? Able to get and hold employment? You obviously write very, very well (which is a gift), so there is an advanced level of education at play. I have some questions about her attributes. I understand strong, giving, caring, kindhearted. I don’t understand how “brave” and “don’t deserve her” factor into the relationship. Does she also have some sort of health issue? What can you do? Well, I can tell you what I as a female would do. I wouldn’t plan on anything but a small wedding. I would discuss hereditary factors with my treating Physician. Her parents discourage her from having children and she says nothing? I’m not suggesting that she be rude, but a simple, “I’m an adult, and my fiancé and I will discuss this” should end the conversation. If they have no clue that you have Asperger’s and they are warning her about the “dangers” of marrying you, there an issue that you either are not addressing, have chosen not to address, she isn’t bringing to your attention. And where is your family in all of this? They had no objections, knowing you have Asperger’s, to you moving 2,000 miles away, presumably giving up your employment in the process? A married couple volunteers in a nursing home where I volunteer. The are both autistic, to different degrees. They have been married 5 years and seem to have a loving and stable marriage, beneficial to both of them. She tends to tell strangers about her life, including her Physician advising her not to have children, but they are “good” together. I don’t think you’ve posted enough detail for anyone to understand the situation. I would prefer that people KNOW I have Asperger's than think I'm odd.

Barb Outhere

Be open with them about what Aspergers is, what it isn't, how it affects you (and where it doesn't), and whether there is a chance it is inherited or not. Without telling them what is a factor they may suspect a worse mental condition, or perhaps thinking you are hiding something like a drug/alcohol addiction and that is affecting your behaviour. Honesty is best, but make sure you warn your girlfriend BEFORE saying anything so she isn't blindsided while trying to hide this. OK? If she can't be honest with her parents, you might have to wonder if she's a bit ashamed of you too?


It's NONE OF HER PARENTS' BUSINESS whether you have Asperger's or not.. simply NOT! You can avoid announcing your medical issues for one. And you seem like you're going to be the best partner you can be, so do that! It's not up to her parents whether she marries you anyway. It's her choice. Make it a good one for HER. It seems like you will


OK, your asperger's is not an issue. It is a red herring. Her parents are also not a problem. The problem is your fiance'. She's not ready to be married. Yeah, I know that's going to be tough to read, and even harder to accept. You are in love with her, which makes her seem like she's perfect and has no flaws. But she does have a fatal flaw that I can see, simply because I'm not in love with her. If her parents are interfering in your relationship and your fiance' is allowing them to, then your fiance' is still in child mode, meaning she still CARES to please her parents, even more than she cares to please herself. Before you can be married, you need to assert your own independence. If you don't know yourself well enough to not care what your parents think... Then you do not have the psychological freedom you need to consider blending your own life with that of another person. Think of it this way... It's very hard for two people to live together and be happy. But because your fiance is still strongly attached to her parents, you would virtually be living with your fiance' AND her parents, if you married your fiance'. There's that old saying that two is company and three is a crowd. If she's not ready to be married, then your household is going to be four people, even if you and your new bride live alone. She's going to allow her parents to influence the marriage. The marriage is DOOMED.


Tell your fiance to stand up to her family and shut this down. If she is mature enough to be married, then she should be mature enough to defend your relationship and make decisions without their approval. She should move out and have limited contact with them until they are ready to treat you with respect and treat her like an adult. Her parent's disapproval is far less concerning than your fiance's apathy and cowardice. If she won't do this, then don't put down any money on the wedding and prepare yourself for the worst. She is weak, her parents are going to get their way in the end.